you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
