she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
