When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
