Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
