why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
