Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
