sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
