i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
