The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
