I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
