K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
