Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
