the condom got lost in my hair
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize