Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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