My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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