life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
