You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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