All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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