dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did I show you my penis last night?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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