why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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