Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just had sex bonerless
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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