i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
