What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
