I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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