I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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