what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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