dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
