i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
