So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I am one with the molecules
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
