Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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