You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize