before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
