my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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