we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
