im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
