cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
