I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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