he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
