and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
