If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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