How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
