between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
