Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize