WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
