cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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