You kept calling me your small dog last night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Drunk is a universal language darling
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
