a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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