I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
