Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The air was thick with penises
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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