Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ketchup is God's man juice
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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