So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
