I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
