I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize