Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
