Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
