i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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