We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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