and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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